On “Unburdening”

It’s a new year and time for new goals! This year, however, instead of adding to my list of to-do’s, I decided to do an about-turn and actively strike things off! My word for the year is “unburdened.” And I’m framing my goals this year as: “This year, I choose to unburden myself of …”

As women in our midlife years, we’re all living such busy lives, sandwiched between rising careers, growing children, aging parents, and whatever time we can eke out for a social life, rest, and self-care. No matter how efficiently we handle each day, we know that our to-do list is never-ending and ever-growing. When we fall asleep at night, often times we are thinking about the things we did not accomplish that day and remain on our task list for the next day. But I’ve always thought that what a simple yet radical shift in mindset it would be each night to only focus on all the things we did accomplish that day. How could that not leave us with a sense of accomplishment, empowerment, self-gratitude, and satisfaction at the end of each day?

I think it also helps to literally write out what you accomplish on most days to really let it sink in. So for me, on any given day, I am managing a number of lawyers and efficiently moving legal tasks across the finish line as senior corporate counsel at a massive, billion dollar company; I am keeping the daily schedules for three kids meticulously organized, including their meals, multitude of activities, and homework; I frequently am carving out an hour to pump weights or play tennis; I am keeping the house organized, tidy, and stocked with food and supplies for five people; and I am showing up for the people I care about, like my spouse, parents, and friends. Do I need to be adding more to my to-do list to feel good about myself? Of course not!

I think having an ambitious (or non-ambitious) new year goal or two is wonderful and commendable (particularly if there is a facet of your life that is objectively in need of improvement). I’ve certainly set new year goals in the past, like picking up tennis and starting this blog, and they turned out well for me. But I also think it’s totally fine if you decide that this is a year that you choose to add nothing more to your plate! In a world that’s constantly telling us to be and do more, perhaps the new year is a good time to pause, reflect on whether we actually need or want to be doing “more,” and instead choose to strike some things from our lives. And perhaps in this process of “unburdening,” we will clear space and time to be more present in the activities we already are doing, or find organic inspiration to pick up a new activity or two!

I encourage you to find a piece of paper and write down three sentences that begin with, “This year, I choose to unburden myself of …” It could be actual daily chores and tasks such as laundry, cooking, or lawnmowing, and choosing to outsource those to someone else. It could be the pressure of others’ expectations, such as bosses, family members, or mom friends. It could be unfair or unhealthy standards you have set for yourself, such as how you view your body or parenting guilt.

Here are mine.

This year, I choose to unburden myself of other people’s problems that are not mine to fix. I realize that, as a woman, I have been conditioned over the years, particularly in our extended family, to carry the weight of meeting everyone’s expectations, “fixing” all issues, and always trying to make things right. But sometimes the issues aren’t fixable, or they’re not worth trying to fix, and they’re not actually my problem but someone else’s. And sometimes it’s important for me to realize that, even though I might deeply care for a person, their problems are still not always mine to fix. This year I choose to guiltlessly draw boundaries from those people and their problems when I need to.

This year, I choose to unburden myself of society’s constant feedback that we are never enough. That we could always be more fit, more interesting, more fashionable, better mothers, better wives, climb higher in our careers, and so on and so forth. This year, I choose to sit with the mantra that — in this moment — I am completely and wholly enough. And if I choose to do more, be better, or improve in any facet of life, it’s purely on my own terms, and not because society’s expectations have a tight and unshakable grip on me.

This year, I choose to unburden myself of the fear of aging. I will confess that I felt a mild sense of alarm when my hair started to gray at the roots and my body decided it needed to hold more weight. But I am learning to embrace these superficial, micro, outward changes, because I know that on the inside, I feel strong, healthy, confident, sexy, satisfied, and at peace. I also am learning to replace the fear with gratitude and respect. Gratitude for a life well-lived; all the learnings and wisdom I have gained over the years; and for being able to enjoy the fruits of all the seeds I sowed. And respect and grace for my body that has done so incredibly much for me over the years, and allowing it to go through its natural processes.

And my wish is that this process of “unburdening” allows us to step (or skip) into the new year a little lighter, freer, fresher, and with extra room to grow and flourish!