On Breaking Generational Patterns

As we embark into a new year and creating new goals, I believe that one other important task each of us can also adopt is identifying and committing to breaking at least one generational pattern that no longer serves us. This is deep, reflective, difficult work, but it also is so rewarding and can pave the way for profound fulfillment and relief.

Whether we are are fully aware of it or not, we are all impacted by generational patterns that no longer serve us. There are obvious and dangerous patterns that most of us are aware we need to break if encountered, such as physical or emotional abuse and addiction. But there are a gazillion more patterns that we don’t even realize we have quietly and implicitly adopted that may not serve us well either. These patterns can be related to relationship dynamics, gender roles and expectations, education and career choices, financial decision-making, how we view our bodies and sex, approaches to physical and mental health, cultural and religious practices, communication styles, parenting approaches, and the list goes on and on and on.

I have been rebellious of nature since I was a girl, and even though I didn’t realize it when I was younger, I have been trying to break gender-related generational patterns embedded in Indian culture for a long time now. And often when you are doing this work, it is uncomfortable and unpleasant, and the people around you may resist and respond in negative ways. One of the earliest stark memories I have is related to an Indian cultural and religious practice of not letting women who are on their periods enter temples or participate in any religious ceremonies because we are for some reason considered “unholy” during that time. I remember being at a big religious ceremony attended by many family members in India, and one of my aunts came up to me and whispered in my ear to leave because she knew I was on my period. As a teenager who had just recently started her period, I felt vulnerable, humiliated, and infuriated in that moment. I responded with a definitive “no,” and I remained firmly planted where I was. I remember my aunt returning to the other women and whispering in hushed, angry tones to them while shooting stern glances my way. But I didn’t budge. I continued to sit there in my bloody sanitary napkin glory. Because even though I myself was trying get comfortable with this unsettling, new, bodily phenomenon, I knew that there could be nothing “unholy” about the functions of the uterus, which is a source of life itself. And since then I have continued to fight tooth and nail against gender-related generational patterns that don’t serve me in all facets of my life.

I am fairly certain almost every modern woman, whether she fully realizes it or not, is engaged in the hard work of breaking toxic generational gender-related patterns, whether it be at work, or in the household, or in family and relationship dynamics. And another area where such pattern-breaking becomes more obvious, and almost urgent, is in parenting. It is to look upon your newborn baby with deep tenderness and fresh hope and commit to parenting your child with values that are intentional and thoughtful, and not just blindly borrowed from a previous generation. It is an opportunity to forge a fresh, new path that you have purposely chosen for you and your child and has the potential to impact the next generation.

If you are wondering how to go about engaging in such pattern-breaking in parenting, as I mentioned above, it is complicated and reflective work. But if I were to simplify it, you could start by reflecting on your childhood and your parents’ parenting styles. Then think about what felt good and what didn’t, what simply doesn’t make common sense or doesn’t speak to you in terms of the underlying rationale, and what you know should be different based on more current and updated knowledge and circumstances. And then you can also reflect on parenting styles that you saw around you, or come up with wholly new parenting styles of your own making! As parents, believe it or not, we are free to adopt any parenting styles and views that we choose!

In my case for instance, growing up, there was not a lot of verbal or physical affection displayed in my house, probably as a result of both generational and traditional habits. Well, I am an affectionate kind of girl and being an affectionate mother feels so good and makes so much sense to me! So I broke that pattern like a bad bit and shower my kids with kisses, hugs, sweet-nothings, and frequently tell them how much I love them! I also think it’s very healthy for them to see their dad and I openly show our affection for each other. Growing up, I also did not have great communication with my parents. It felt like somewhat of a one-way street, in which they provided strict instructions and guidelines but didn’t often seek my thoughts, opinions, or feedback. Well, that did not feel good. So, with my kids I changed that too! I want to have free and open communication with them, and I truly value and frequently seek their thoughts, opinions, and suggestions. And I want them to know that their voices matter — with me — and in every other facet of their lives!

Finally, growing up in my house, we had somewhat of a tense relationship with money. One obvious reason is that our household income was not comparable to what I have now, but regardless of the amount of money at our disposable, there was this underlying sense that money was something we should always endeavor to save and protect, and something to spend very conservatively and very rarely for pure pleasure or joy. Once I started earning my own income, and especially after my husband and I started earning well as a couple, I changed my patterns with money too! I am certainly not irresponsible, but I want my kids to see me sometimes spend money for pure pleasure and self-care, such as for spa days, or a girls’ weekend trip, or a splurge on an expensive purse or dress from time to time. And I also happily spend my money to spark moments of joy and create lasting memories with my kids, such as on their birthday parties, on excursions and activities during family trips, and on generous presents waiting for them to eagerly unwrap on Christmas morning! I also think it’s important for the kids to sometimes see us generously spend money on others, whether it’s on gift-giving, charities and fundraisers, tips for our servers, or simply sharing some cash with someone in need.

When you’re breaking an embedded, old pattern, it can feel uncomfortable at first to exercise and implement the new patterns. And my suggestion is — just like with anything else — practice, practice, practice! You have to flex that muscle a lot and frequently for it to start to feel natural. And in due time, it will start to feel like a second skin. So, with my examples above, I initially was overly affectionate with my first child, and same with the communication piece. And it took me a while — probably a few years of flexing that muscle — to finally feel comfortable and believe that it was actually acceptable for me to spend without guilt on an expensive massage or handbag from time to time.

Finally, I would be remiss to end this post without mentioning that of course there are tons of generational patterns that have in fact benefited us, and in some ways, have made us the very people we are today. With my parents, one that stands out is a deep-seated sense of duty and loyalty toward family members, which has served us well over generations to create tight-knit families with strong foundations. Another one is a very strong work ethic that begins with a seriousness about education when we are younger and extends into our chosen careers when we get older. It would behoove us all to reflect on and be grateful for all the generational patterns that have strengthened us while we simultaneously do the hard work of breaking those patterns that no longer serve us!