On Boundaries & Compartmentalization

I sometimes get asked by younger moms, “how do you do it all?” And there are two words that pop up in my head like a mantra: boundaries and compartmentalization. On any given day, I may have some or all of the following facets in my life expecting — or even demanding — pieces of my time and energy: full-time corporate job, three children with robust lives and schedules, husband, parents, extended family, friends, household chores & responsibilities, various social commitments, and of course self-care and growth (in other words, demands that I have for myself). And the thing is that each of these facets may not be sensitive to all the other facets that make up the colorful mosaic of my life, so it’s very easy for any one of them to ask for, or feel entitled to, more and more of me. But that’s where the first mantra of my life kicks in: strict boundaries.

My philosophy with boundaries is that, if you have a gnawing gut feeling that something is asking more of you than you feel like you are willing to give, and it’s sparking feelings of resentment or bitterness in you, then it’s time to trust your gut and draw some boundaries. This may sometimes feel very uncomfortable, it may confuse and even upset others, and it may take a lot of practice, but drawing boundaries I believe is the single most important step to being able to “do it all.” And, over the years, I have steadily and strategically drawn boundaries in pretty much every facet of my life.

I have already written in another blog post about how I’ve reflected and placed some boundaries on unfettered professional ambition so that my career is not overtaking other, more valuable, aspects of my life.

Early in my marriage, I had to draw some pretty sharp boundaries in my expected role as a “daughter-in-law.” Historically and traditionally in India, daughters-in-law have been expected to assume a pretty submissive role in service of others, including her husband, and especially her parents in-law. My gut was sending off major alarm bells when in the early days of my marriage, I felt the heavy descent of my in-laws’ traditional expectations on me. So I had to start to draw those boundaries, which was both uncomfortable for me, and also perhaps led others to view me as the “bad guy (or gal).” But I am beyond proud of myself for having the foresight and fortitude to draw those boundaries quick and strong. By doing that, I think I actually prevented a lot of misery and hardship that would have inevitably uncorked down the road had I not drawn my lines and continued to bottle up growing feelings of resentment and bitterness. As “villainous” as it was, I am so glad I said no to the expectation of fresh home-cooked meals every time family visited, or flying out to every family event I was expected to make an appearance at, and held my ground that me and my husband — and no-one else — would have the final say on parenting choices and decisions for our children.

Admittedly, parenting is the one facet where I have drawn the loosest boundaries, and that is by choice. But I do have a few strategic boundaries here and there. I will let my four-year-old daughter watch iPad if it means I can fit in a work-out, or take care of some other work around the house, or if I simply need some quiet time. Similarly, I will miss my sons’ basketball or soccer games (and let dad take them), if it is the only time I can attend a tennis class, because fitting in exercise time for myself every day, or at least every other day, is very important to me. And, as mentioned in another post, my husband and I regularly take trips without the children because it’s very important for us to have that time to reconnect and bond as a couple.

Finally, since we have worked so hard and now have the resources as a couple to do so, I guiltlessly draw boundaries with housework too and outsource anything that I can. We have a cleaning service that deep cleans the house and a housekeeper-type lady who comes over sporadically over the week to cook fresh meals for us, do our laundry, and generally tidy up. This opens up time that I would much rather spend bonding with my children, working up a sweat on my Peloton bike in the basement, or simply catching up with a friend over the phone!

Once all the necessary boundaries are drawn, I think the second step to successfully “doing it all” is ruthless compartmentalization. And what I mean by that is, in order to have maximum efficiency, do all the various things to your best ability, and keep yourself in a strong mental state, you have to be able to compartmentalize your thoughts and actions and be fully present in the moment. So, for example, when I am at work, I am not worrying about my long list of to-do’s related to the kids. I focus solely on my job as a lawyer and tackling my work tasks. Similarly, when I am spending time with my children, I don’t think about all the court briefs I have to review or litigation strategy meetings I need to schedule. I simply focus on being there in that moment with my children. And in that same vein, when I am traveling without the kids and have the opportunity to pamper myself with a solo day at the spa, I totally indulge in a nice massage followed by a glass of champagne by the hot tub, and I don’t feel guilty or worry about work or the kids!

So, there you have it. If you’re trying to figure out your version of “doing it all,” try implementing the simple mantra of: boundaries, boundaries, boundaries! Followed by ruthless compartmentalization!