On Professional Ambition

In 2012, I was 29 years old, working as a junior associate at a fancy, big law firm in New York City, when I read an article that almost brought me to tears. It was an article by Anne-Marie Slaughter published in The Atlantic called “Why Women Still Can’t Have it All.” In this article, Anne-Marie essentially decried the impossible balancing act that working mothers in America are expected to do. At the time, I was a vulnerable, new, mother with a one-year old baby at home, trying to also balance the pressures and demands of being a young attorney in a fast-paced and unforgiving work environment. My husband was in medical training and had long hours in the hospital so much of our baby’s care and household responsibilities fell on me. Needless to say, I was floundering. And what made it worse is that I felt like my herculean efforts to keep work and home afloat were going completely unnoticed — both at work and at home.

Over the years, I have realized that women can have it all — but it really just depends on how you define “all”! I’ve realized that unfettered and purposeless professional ambition can actually be a big blind spot — there is always one dangling professional carrot after another to chase so you might as well be very clear on why you’re chasing the carrots and whether the why is worth it to you! Early in my career, I learned that I had to prioritize, and it was very clear to me that my children would always be a priority over work. I, therefore, had to make some career decisions that were quite uncomfortable for me at the time because, as an academic and professional overachiever, I thought I was letting myself down. But those career decisions ended up being huge blessings in disguise. There’s a saying that “life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.” Well, I would argue that “your career is what happens when you’re busy making other professional plans!”

For starters, I parted ways with the law firm one year later and ended up taking a year and a half off from professional work to transition our family from New York to Kansas City and welcome our second child. And, although I thoroughly enjoyed having time at home with my two-year old and newborn, it was clear to me that moms who stay home with their kids work just as hard, if not harder, than moms who work outside the house (and their work largely goes unrecognized)! For me, I always knew that I wanted to go back to work because my professional life is such a big part of who I am, I had invested so much time and effort into becoming a lawyer, I’m really good at and enjoy being a lawyer, and also, it is the role model that I want to be for my children. I believe there were a few things that helped me get back into the professional saddle after an 18-month break — copious amounts of professional networking, applying to a large number of jobs, and staying humble and flexible.

I found a job in the federal government, which was not somewhere I planned to be, but it ended up being such a rewarding experience for me. As someone who immigrated to the United States at 16, and got her American citizenship at the age of 21, it really felt like things had come full circle, and I felt deeply honored to have the opportunity to serve the American people. And to rub shoulders with such a diversity of people from different walks of life, many veterans included, who were all united in their pride for and desire to serve the country. Importantly — this job also gave me the work/life balance that I so badly craved.

I am a happy worker. This means that no matter where I land, I have a very positive attitude and try to make the most of it. Which is why my first job in the federal government eventually opened the door to a second much more prestigious job at a different agency in the federal government, where I also was thriving. But, out of the blue one day, I got a call from a long-time mentor about an opening on the ligation team that she leads at the company I currently work for. Such a great example of women supporting women and the immense power of networking! I applied for the job, interviewed, and was accepted. And that’s how I ended up in my current position as corporate counsel, which again hits the magic sweet spot for me — exponential career growth along with pretty solid work/life balance!

So now when people ask me where I see my career five or tens years from now, I honestly tell them that I don’t make career plans. Because the trajectory of my career has been a string of happy surprises! And I want to keep that streak going. And contrary to Anne-Marie’s pronouncement that did really move me all those years ago, I really do feel like I have it all. I may not have it “all” in the way that the Anne-Maries, or Sherly Sandbergs, or Indra Nooyis of this world — all of whom are women I deeply admire — strived to have it all. But that’s okay because I’ve defined my “all” a different way — it’s equilibrium between work and home life with a slight tilt toward home life. 

And I certainly don’t mean to suggest that finding or keeping this equilibrium has been easy. This equilibrium has meant waking up at 5:30 am in the morning — even when I was fully pregnant with my third child — so that I could end my federal government work day by 3:30 pm, pick up my kids from school, and be mom for the rest of the day. It has meant taking days off work to tend to sick kids but then working late into the night to catch up on work. It has meant marital tension and arguments until we finally smoothed out all the kinks and found a parenting balance that allows us both to pursue our professional and personal goals. It has meant stressful hybrid work days where I balance work conference calls along with kids home on snow days attending online classes.

But this is my definition of having it “all” and for me, it is worth fighting for, and I am so grateful to have it. I still recall when I worked as a young associate at the law firm, the women’s network hosted a panelist of senior female attorneys/partners to give us younger professional women advice on work/life balance. I eagerly awaited to hear from one particular partner, who was highly regarded in the workplace, and who I knew had older children. She had reached the pinnacle of her career at the law firm and she had raised children– so how did she do it? And her answer fell so woefully short for me. She essentially responded that she had missed a lot of her young children’s lives, but that was okay, because her daughter was so proud to tell her friends her mom was a lawyer. What?! That’s all she had to say? Well, that was never going to cut it for me. I am grateful to make it to the vast majority of my kids’ school events — parties, concerts, plays, and everything in between. I am grateful to regularly pick them up from school and be their listening ear about anything and everything they want to share about their school day. I am grateful to be able to take them to a lot of their extracurricular activities and witness them making that hoop, or goal, or gymnastics tumble, and catch that big smile they flash my way in return. All of those things are non-negotiable to me. And at the same time, I still get to hear my children proudly tell their friends that their mom is a lawyer!

So, in sum, I do honestly believe that women can have their “all.” But it requires some deep reflection to understand what it is that you really value. And I don’t mean what your spouse, or your parents, or your friends, or what you think society wants of you, but what you really want from your life. What fulfills and energizes you and makes you wake up motivated to seize the day. Then you can truly define what your “all” means to you, prioritize accordingly, and then fight for it. The good news is that I really do feel that the working world for women is changing for the better — hybrid workplaces have been a game-changer and both women and men in positions of authority seem to have a deeper respect for work/life balance. So let’s get after it!